Daily Newsie

Things I have learned this week from TruTV (formerly CourtTV), which we have now thanks to a mistake on the part of the cable company:

*If you’re going to go to sleep in a ground-floor apartment with your kitchen window open, leave a tomato on the sill so that forensic scientists can identify your killer by the shoeprint he leaves in the unfortunate fruit.

*If a coworker half your age won’t stop stalking you at work, file a formal complaint or else run the risk of him eventually going crazy and killing you.

*Don’t get married, ever, because if you do your spouse will do one of three things: set the bed on fire with you in it, strangle you in the hot tub, or hire a hitman to kill you.

This is worse than watching “Unsolved Mysteries” when I was little, because at least then I knew my dad had a gun in the house. All I have now is a bear who, although fierce, is somewhat limited by the fact that he is stuffed. Maybe I should start watching Nick at Nite reruns at bedtime. At least on that channel, everybody’s differences are resolved with a hug — and not a suffocating one, either — before the half-hour is up.